Gorgias

Nobody told me it would hurt this much. The hole that feels as big as yourself, it is shaped from the extrusions and indentations of what was. The big chunks of your heart and soul and every inch of emotion are shaped by what you shared. Happiness lies in nourishing the parts you share, increasing your share by investing yourself. Your self decreases, in a way. When you cannot hold on to this connection, this shared benefit, two people suffer, and they suffer from the inside.

She is lying next to me. I am on my back, and she is on her side, turned away from me. This will be our last night together. The pain I feel is something I cannot accept right now. I need to fight. The indentation left by what we had should remind me of the good things, and that is worth a fight. I wish the fight were an easier one, though.

Nobody told me that I would make her my internal mirror. Any idea I have, any sentence I utter to myself, is bounced off of her. She is still in my head. Whether she is still in my heart is another matter. I feel where she is supposed to be, but I cannot find her there. She is in my soul, and she forever will be. She is definitely on my mind.

I sit on the edge of the bed. A panic overtakes me and I shudder. When I feel that something is shaking the foundations of my emotional safety, I get cold and start shivering. It does not stop so easily. Tears run across my face. I try to breathe normally, more slowly, but the panic and the shaking throw me off completely. My whimpers awake her.

Nobody told me that I would slowly substitute the love I felt for something stronger, for something deeper, for something different. I have, though. My love has become a part of me. It is more than just affection or closeness. I see through her eyes and trust her like my own limbs. Nobody told me that. And nobody told me how much it would hurt to lose that. I managed to live on my own just fine. I managed for years. Now I cannot imagine living without her.

She sits up, still drunk with sleep, and leans toward me. I am a wreck, I am a wrecking ball. Anything in my path is going to suffer from my sadness. My loss will be felt by many more people than I ever thought I could affect. I am incapable of sharing myself right now. I am incapable of sharing myself right now. I am trying so hard to share myself right now, but I cannot. I am a wrecking ball, I am a wreck.