October 2010
1 post
2 tags
July 2010
1 post
3 tags
Boxer
He’s bouncing around the room, in his shorts, making aggressive movements towards me. A solid punch almost hits me dead in the face, but he stops before I can even lift my arms. He keeps on bouncing around. There’s no chance he’s going to stop doing this. The boxing gloves, old-fashioned ones, don’t help. They’re a slightly fluorescent red, and they keep moving around the room like hummingbirds on...
June 2010
1 post
2 tags
Nobody told me
Nobody told me it would hurt this much. The hole that feels as big as yourself, it is shaped from the extrusions and indentations of what was. The big chunks of your heart and soul and every inch of emotion are shaped by what you shared. Happiness lies in nourishing the parts you share, increasing your share by investing yourself. Your self decreases, in a way. When you cannot hold on to this...
May 2010
2 posts
5 tags
And We’re Back, In The Middle Of A Conversation...
Me: No, but, uh, the world doesn't behave because the bible defines these rules. These rules are in the bible because the world agreed it worked better that way.
Him: Right.
Me: And besides, most things in there are ridiculously outdated. Like, I dunno. It's a survival guide for the year zero, basically.
Him: That's bullshit, though. Those things are still true.
Me: Maybe, but what does that add?
Him: Well, it must mean something. The bible becomes truer because of it.
Me: No, I disagree. I can mention many things that are still true, they were true then and they are now.
Him: Hit me with your rhythm stick.
Me: Well, like: you can go to a hairdressers to have your hair cut, but he can't like add hair to your head.
Him: Actually, with extensions, they can.
Me: But it's not real.
Him: It looks real.
Me: Extensionalists. That's what they are. It's a lie.
Him: Is that a philosophical vision?
Me: Yes. A clouded one.
2 tags
The Large Hadron Technique for Debating
Also known as “strong opinions that are weakly held”, the LHTD is about fervently crashing into the discussion – not necessarily (preferably not, in fact) into another opinion – specifically to reveal a wider spectrum of detail. Much like the Large Hadron Collider tries to find the essence of elements by smashing them together rather vehemently, this method does rapid elimination of extraneities....
April 2010
1 post
2 tags
Some more thoughts regarding black holes (and...
If you store your vegetables and fruit in your refrigerator, pay special attention to what you do with the apples and the mushrooms. Mushrooms release spores that speed up deterioration of all the other thing you keep next to it. Advised would be to keep the mushrooms in a paper bag, below the other food. Apples also emit something that affects the ripening speed of other fruits called ethylene....
January 2010
1 post
3 tags
my buddy steve tells me everything
so i was talking to my buddy steve and he was telling me about tom and his girlfriend and how they make like hell of noise when doing the sex thing and steve was making the noise she makes, like, she’s real noisy, she shouts basically, not just moans, and tom is probably really embarrassed about it with like a red face and just sweating in his armpits out of insecurity about like the...
December 2009
2 posts
4 tags
My latest fucking sandwich recipe
My latest sandwich, jesus crap dammit, it is the best. Here. Take a fresh bun of bread, some nice shit you can find in a real bakery. Don’t be cheap, ’cause it will taste like shit. Slice it in two parts and put them on a plate, like real nice. Fuck yes, this is going to be great. Slice your tomato like it’s nobody’s business, and don’t keep those parts too big because they’ll fall off when...
2 tags
But whatever you do, don’t fear the reaper
Of course I can’t let them win, I can’t, I just simply can’t, it would be too much. It would be too much for me. They don’t deserve it. They’re wrong. The battle is between me and myself, the others are extras in my story. They can’t win. I will not let them. I will not lose. What they know or feel is insubstantial. It’s worthless to anyone. It means nothing. Why they even try, I don’t know. I...
November 2009
5 posts
My dancing teacher
Teacher: Okay. This one's easy. Put your left foot in front of the other.
Teacher: More elegantly, come on.
Teacher: Leave a distance of about half your foot…
Teacher: Yes, just that. And then perpendicular to the right foot.
Teacher: It means at a ninety degree angle.
Teacher: No, one-eighty means the toes of your left foot point in the direction opposite those of the right foot.
Teacher: Bend at the knees, then step to the left with your right foot, so—
Teacher: So your right leg crosses the left one. Yes, like that.
Teacher: No, more like this. See?
Teacher: Great.
Teacher: …
Teacher: …
Teacher: More elegance, please. This isn't a construction site.
Teacher: No, you're not, and you don't have the ass cleavage to even qualify.
Teacher: Forget it. Left in front of right! It's much more simple than you make it out to be.
Teacher: No, you can't possibly fall.
Teacher: How can you fall? It's a simple move.
Teacher: Perpendicular.
Teacher: Okay, next bit.
To the point kind of story
We decided to meet in a restaurant near my house which serves excellent waffles. After a few waffles, of which she ate a great deal, she started talking about her parents, and how nice they were. I told her, “Oh, how great that your parents are still alive.” She replied in shock. “Oh my god, I’m sorry, I didn’t know!” “What?” “… What do you...
1 tag
Call that job satisfaction, 'cause I don't
At home he was the absolute master. He reigned supreme at home. His house. He had bought the house. He worked for the mortgage. He had built the shed. It was his house, his home, and he was the absolute master there. And he beat his wife and his two sons there.
His job was mediocre, not terrible but certainly, most certainly not great, or even good or nice. Not to blame his boss or his job,...
1 tag
Sometimes others do my talking.
3 tags
The Mother Rule
Trying to explain to your mother what you do is hard. So don’t. Or give it your best shot, but only your best. Every failed attempt will make you seem more of a dilettante living on her dime. Nothing you say will make sense unless she has done exactly what you are doing now. So you design furniture that is meant to be seen, not sat on or at? Right. You make music that tries to combine Pere...
October 2009
8 posts
1 tag
Portrait of the author as a young man
And between his feet stood a potted plant. And on his head sat a hat. And in his hands he held two bags. And on his lip was a cigarette. And behind his glasses were hard staring eyes. And in his mind were thoughts of evil and fun and laughter and hurt. And his ears heard the sounds of a street, a playground, a supermarket. And in his shoes were worn-out laces. And in his coat pockets were a...
3 tags
Bedtime Story
There were lots of dead bodies in the building. Apparently someone had been in there with a weapon, and killed them. This was clearly a case for the police. Just not for this guy. He arrived having eaten — a simple meal, something everyday — and left with a broke stomach.
See, the thing is, he wasn’t trained to appreciate dead people. He was trained to deal with mysteries and think hard about...
2 tags
My strands
As often as it rises, it also sets. This is one of the things I know about the sun. I also know about the sun that it burns up itself and doing so creates light and heat. It is immensely big and sits squarely in the middle of our solar system.
A piece of light, because I do not know whether light is rays or particles, hits my head. I am lying on a grassy hill. Some kinds of grass are rhizomatic....
2 tags
On Writing Comedy
Don’t.
More specifically, don’t do it. Even more words: don’t write comedy. This can be said for anything you would want to do. Don’t do it, unless you feel that you need to do it.
Except don’t write comedy. Just don’t. Longevity is in the story, not its form, not its intentions. When I say that I think Kurt Vonnegut is the greatest comedy writer of all time, people look at me crooked, tell me I...
1 tag
Superglue
Wiping the gunk out of his eyes, he got up. Well, he tried. He was lying on something hard. It hurt a lot. His eyes had an easy time accommodating. It was either dusk or dawn and the stars were still visible through a pink veil.
What was hurting so much was in fact a very large rock. The very large rock was situated roughly thirty yards out into the sea. When he turned his head, he could see the...
4 tags
La, la la, la la, la la, la la, la la &c.
He’s truly the greatest dude ever, and he knows it. That’s why he hums Starman all the time. Classic Bowie tune, sure. And he takes it and makes it a kind of theme song. Almost hymnal, you know. He’ll hum and mutter and sing and sway and people know. People know: people know. He’s the greatest. He’s the starman. He’ll tell you what to do and you will. For some reason.
Not like Kal El, that...
2 tags
Free Self-Esteem
It’s not much, but you can have it for free. It might help you get something done, something you’d always wanted to do. Make that one master painting. Finish the outhouse. Travel around the world. Strike up a conversation with that one boy down the hall you really kinda like. Take it. I have no use for it anymore.
Something small might do it. Just that one nudge. That’s what...
2 tags
Shake it baby!
Mom: Hey, what’s this? I like this.
Me: This is Bowie. Mom, I’ve told you before. We’ve listened to this together so many times.
Mom: I like it. “Shake That” is also by him, right? I LOVE that song.
Me: It’s, no, that’s, it’s called “Shake It”, and it might be his first genuinely bad song. Mom, jesus.
Mom: Shake it shake it! Shake it baby!
Me: This is hopeless. You need the song before it. That. Is A. Classic. Hot diggity damn.
Mom: Why are you talking like that?
Me: Because I’m right.
Mom: Shake it baby! I like that song so much.
Me: You’re hopeless and cruel.
September 2009
16 posts
3 tags
“Barbaric” could make for a solid pun here.
How barbaric. She put ice in her whiskey. I tried a sip of it and tasted nothing. I dumped the cubes in his beer, which bugged him out, the whiskey hater, but I could consume the whiskey that way only. Someone shouted something through the bar. Nobody cared. I took my photo out of my wallet and drew a moustache on it, and handed it to him, because it made him cringe. She had left a while ago, now,...
3 tags
[excerpt]
Blood. It was everywhere. It came out of me. I was pretty sure of that. Something both hurt and felt numb. Nothing, then pain, then nothing again, in quick succession, constantly tearing me apart. I faded into and out of what felt like sleep, but was probably just solid fainting.
At some point, I regained enough consciousness to think something coherent enough to make sense to myself. “This is a...
3 tags
Does life get you down, missus Brown?
He played the piano like a reinvented noir character. Which is to say, terribly and in deep thought. He was a terrible person to be around, and this was one of many reasons. His lightly canted head looked solemn and he seemed to stare right through the black-and-white machina. That is not what caused it to make a sound; his left hand, idly punching the keys, was what caused a sound to emit from...
2 tags
More thoughts on going out tonight (which I,...
So like, because I’m heterosexyuwal, I’ll fuck a lady tonight. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I dig the ladies. Butts, tits and legs, right? Right guys? And they’ll dance with me, because I’m funny and attractive, and also quite mysterious when I need to be, e.g. when I order drinks. They’ll (the chicks) be like, “hey, why you got like a mint leaf in my...
3 tags
Nobody cared
Not that anyone really cared, but he had an opinion about this. That’s what he told people. Literally. “Not that anyone really cares, but I do have something to say about that …”, his remarks would often start. He would tell people how twisted their ways were, how doomed the world was, what was to be expected from the elections this summer, what the weather would be doing a month...
2 tags
A new episode of: Asshole Doctor!
Another day in the life of a total asshole of a doctor. A new patient walks in. He’s roughly 23, and while not too handsome, he seems capable of lifting weights and scoring chicks (probably fat ones, the doctor thinks, and you can see him think this). He doesn’t seem to feel too comfortable walking. His left foot slightly jerks when he lifts it.
“What seems to be the...
1 tag
LOVE+5
If there’s one thing we can learn from love, it’s that it’s only five letters away from a love crime. Never forget that, children.
2 tags
Tappetaptap-tap
Tappity-tappity-tappity-tap. Tap tap tapperoo. Tapperoni. Tapperooni. Tapple-tap-de-tap. Tap tap. Tap-p-p. T-Tap. Tappletappletapple. Tappity! Tap tapp tappp tapp. Taap. Tp. Tahahap. Tappattappattappattap. Tetap. Tap-a-tap-tap. Tip-tap-tap-tap-tip-tip-tap-tap-tap. Tap. T— Tap tap.
3 tags
Have you seen my car?
Have you seen my car? It’s a white sedan with a few bumper stickers. One of them says “My other bumper sticker is an ironic statement”. Also one with “I brake for malapropisms”. Another of them reads “HONK FOR INSTANT PARTY (HONK HONK PARTY)”. I haven’t seen my car since I left work. Did you see it?
I haven’t seen my car since I left work...
Going Out Tonight? I Am. Are You? (I Am!)
Hey, dorks. Sitting at your computer, huh. Sheesh, fancy. Nerds! NEEEERDS! I’ll totally be going out later tonight, right, so yeah, much cooler. I’m eating yogurt right now, sure, but after like half past midnight I’m totally at this wild party with coolest of cool dudes and very hot chicks. Great evening to be had by me, yessir. I’ll be home at like six thirty, so...
3 tags
Flea Market
I stopped walking because I saw the signs. I don’t normally stop for posters in the street, considering they’re mostly 1) ugly, 2) boring and 3) for things I don’t care about. So, I stopped. A stretch of pink home-printed posters, a solid four metres wide and three metres tall, faced the park that’s just around my corner. This wasn’t a popular spot for hanging...
3 tags
Watashi wa
わたしわ[…]です。 It was the only Japanese I knew, so I said it. Not that she’d understand. She was Italian. And so she recognised that it was Japanese and I was joking, kind of, showing off my lack of knowledge by making a show of something that seems impressively smart. She got it, because she laughed and replied in broken French.
I did get rather confused by eating spaghetti, which, I told her, is...
2 tags
She sat across from me and cried the entire train ride and I did not know what to do or say or don’t. I put a piece of paper in my book and put it on my lap. She probably knew I would see her, watch her, wonder. She rested her forehead on her hand, rubbed her eyes. She was blonde, small but not tiny, not beautiful but interesting-pretty, and she dressed okay. What had hit her so hard,...
2 tags
All of my neighbours are doing the same as I am. The sky has been dark enough for an hour now that I just turn on my lights, even though it’s still well before six. In the distance, I hear a subtle rumble. All of my neighbours are anticipating storm and getting cosy. I realise that, although it might be the only thing we really have in common, this makes me sympathise with them. A thing as...
3 tags
Bauen Demolieren Wiederaufbauen
I had to take off my shoes before entering the apartment. It was well over 4AM and I had promised not to stay out too late. I walked on my thin socks toward the kitchen, which was at the far end of our big living room. It was laid out in a rectangle: the door of the apartment opens into a tiny hallway, and opposite the front door is the toilet. To the left, upon entering, is the living room, which...
2 tags
Asshole Doctor
The doctor smirked. He was a giant asshole. His only clients were new clients, i.e. no client ever returned to his terrible office. He seriously was an asshole. Once, he told a patient he smelled of raisins, then opened his mouth surprised, then laughed a beat and then stood up and said, “so you’re probably very sick”.
Another time, a patient limped into his office and he had a...
August 2009
10 posts
3 tags
Donkey punch
“So, you don’t think Gladwell is right?” “No, aside from him being a bit pompous.” “What do you mean, pompous? He’s a writer… uuug… and has to convey his words in an authoritative way for it all to make sense. You know, re: dialect and all.” “Dialect. Hm. You mean like uhhhh self-consistency? Sure. But I think he’s arrogant.”...
1 tag
Fat suit
There’s a feeling I can’t shake off about really much too overweight people. It isn’t about what they, like, think, or how they move even. Rather, I get the feeling they’re wearing suits. They’re not normal. The body they wear is ill-fitting for the skeleton they are.
This may be because of my own pretty visible skeleton, or the fact that I really like form-fitting...
1 tag
Race horse
The sun flickers in a pattern of three quarters of light, one quarter of shade, the shadow being cast by the trees I am speeding past on my race horse. My race horse is not an average race horse. It won the Ascot 3:10 this year and has been running all day now. In fact, after finishing the 3:10 today, I kicked off the jockey and took the horse. So it’s my race horse now, and it’s been...
2 tags
Ebony and Ivory
I’m the kind of guy with like his own minibar, right, so I love making up drinks that are ridiculous yet plausible, so this time, uh, yesterday, I walked up to the bar, dodged a woman destined for one sad night alone with a bucket and told the guy to make me an Ebony and Ivory, shaken, like “hey Guy, make me an Ebony and Ivory, shaken and with a like straw on the side”, and he...
3 tags
Ramblin’ guy
The thing about writing, and I mean getting something across vs. the physical act of conveying a concept per se, is it’s very important to trust your tools but to still feel that you are learning them as you go. I’ve found that I make better things when I do something I’m not great at. I consider a controlled level of beginner’s luck to be more important than a kind of...
3 tags
Fucking telemarketing
I’m making faces while on the telephone, idly rearranging the fruit in my fruit bowl. This person, she will not stop talking, and I am not interested in what she’s offering me, but the primo muchas best way to fuck up this conversation and end it spectacularly has not yet hit me. The whole “I’m driving into a tunnel” angle is already in the shitter, considering the...
1 tag
Fat guy
Me: Hey, that's funny. You know you're the only fat person in my group of friends?
Friend: Uh… No-one's ever even called me fat.
Me: …
Friend: No-one. Seriously.
Me: Hm.
Friend: What? You think I'm fat? You think I'm fat. That's ridiculous. You think I'm fat?
Me: … No?
Who needs friends with friends like these
It’s all good and well that my buddy Rob links me and reblogs me and what are the words for all these things, but he’s not following me. I think. Also, what’s Tumblarity, and wouldn’t Tumbularity sound better? And no, I don’t want people to “answer this”.
1 tag
Cats vs. like sharks or whathaveyou
So like this is my reasoning clearly: cats can’t jump over sharks because sharks are in the water, so sharks can, and sharks probably already have. Also, have you ever seen a shark with hair? Don’t think so!!! Cats can have like the Fonz hairdos all over their body, so they could jump the shark, metaphysically like, but they won’t, because cats say “fuck water”. Ergo...